Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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