did you get engaged???
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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