Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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