I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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