I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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