he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
