You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
