Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
