If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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