Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
