I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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