thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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