My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
