my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
