A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
