I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
