just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
