There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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