You're my little dorito
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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