My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
