I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
