Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
