my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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