That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I AM VODKA MAN
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
