I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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