Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
