mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my sisters under your porch take her home
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
