apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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