when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
