I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
high people should be assigned attendants
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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