i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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