i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize