I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
