I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
