I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
