She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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