On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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