I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
