you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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