Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
