I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
