his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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