Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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