my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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