I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
