I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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