when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
