I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
