So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
