I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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