Don't make out with my wife yet
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
