thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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