it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
