You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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