Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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